He Wins, She Wins: Learning the Art of Marital Negotiation

He Wins, She Wins: Learning the Art of Marital Negotiation In this book Dr Harley discusses how to really work on a marriage In this book he talks of disputes and looking for a way for both people to come out winning He mentions a lot of resources he has on his website This book is great for newlyweds or seasoned spouses In this book Dr Harley discusses how to really work on a marriage In this book he talks of disputes and looking for a way for both people to come out winning He mentions a lot of resources he has on his website This book is great for newlyweds or seasoned spouses I wanted to read He Wins She Wins for obvious reason I want to win While I m mostly kidding I was intrigued by the concept of my husband and I both winning I m of the belief that in compromise, everyone loses So I was curious to see what Mr Harley had to say about this.Interestingly enough, he did also feel that with compromise everyone loses but that there is a way for everyone to win What Yup, that s what I said When he went through the most common things couples fight over and their ty I wanted to read He Wins She Wins for obvious reason I want to win While I m mostly kidding I was intrigued by the concept of my husband and I both winning I m of the belief that in compromise, everyone loses So I was curious to see what Mr Harley had to say about this.Interestingly enough, he did also feel that with compromise everyone loses but that there is a way for everyone to win What Yup, that s what I said When he went through the most common things couples fight over and their typical ways of fighting, I recognized a few too many on both lists His philosophy is this Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse I know what you re thinking and I thought it too No one is going to be enthusiastic about doing something they don t want to do.Sadly, even after reading the book I feel this way to some degree I understand his points and his way of getting there but unless you BOTH agree to be enthusiastic about it to begin with, you aren t going to get anywhere To me, it s not really a realistic expectation Couples fight and disagree and while there is a way to do this correctly and a way to do it incorrectly, I think it s ok to be realistic and know that not everyone is going to be enthusiastic or happy about it.It s a bit of a Catch 22 While I agree that you will get somewhere if both are equally enthusiastic, I think getting there is the challenge Like any book on marriage, you both have to be equally willing to do the work and accept everything that is suggested in order to succeed I think many couples will find He Wins She Wins full of great insights and tips on making it work I just didn t feel it was for me When you get married, you expect your relationship to be a partnership in which you make decisions and face the world together, united But often a husband s perspective and a wife s perspective on the same issue can be very different and unity in decision making can be tough Should spouses take turns getting their way Should they compromise Can they avoid making decisions altogether Dr Harley says there s a better way a way in which both partners get what they want and believe is best every timeIn He Wins, She Wins, Dr Harley introduces the revolutionary concept of joint agreement in marriage that keeps both husband and wife on equal footing and equally satisfied This win win model for negotiation starts with a simple rule Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse Dr Harley walks couples through the five most common sources of conflict in marriage, friends and family, career and time management, finances, children, and sex , applying the joint agreement rule in every situation And he teaches readers how to resolve conflicts the right way, so that not only are those conflicts resolved once and for all but the couple s love for one another actually grows and is sustained for the rest of their livesAnyone who has been married long enough to have a disagreement will benefit from this unique new book from everyone s favorite marriage doctor ➮ [Read] ➪ The End (The 30-Day Collective Book 1) By Ellen A. Easton ➺ – Lavons.co.uk you expect your relationship to be a partnership in which you make decisions and face the world together [PDF / Epub] ☃ The Light Over London By Julia Kelly – Lavons.co.uk united But often a husband s perspective and a wife s perspective on the same issue can be very different and unity in decision making can be tough Should spouses take turns getting their way Should they compromise Can they avoid making decisions altogether Dr Harley says there s a better way a way in which both partners get what they want and believe is best every timeIn He Wins ☁ [PDF / Epub] ☀ Cell By Robin Cook ✎ – Lavons.co.uk She Wins [Download] ➺ Braving the Wilderness Author Brené Brown – Lavons.co.uk Dr Harley introduces the revolutionary concept of joint agreement in marriage that keeps both husband and wife on equal footing and equally satisfied This win win model for negotiation starts with a simple rule Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse Dr Harley walks couples through the five most common sources of conflict in marriage [BOOKS] ✪ Lightning / Midnight / The Bad Place ✴ Dean Koontz – Lavons.co.uk friends and family ✯ [BOOKS] ⚣ A Cidade Das Trevas (Dean Koontzs Frankenstein, By Dean Koontz ✼ – Lavons.co.uk career and time management [Epub] ➞ Iron Council (New Crobuzon, By China Miéville – Lavons.co.uk finances ❮EPUB❯ ✸ Big Magic Author Elizabeth Gilbert – Lavons.co.uk children ❮Read❯ ➫ Bloody Acquisitions (Fred, the Vampire Accountant, Author Drew Hayes – Lavons.co.uk and sex ❰Reading❯ ➿ Dangerous Author Amanda Quick – Lavons.co.uk applying the joint agreement rule in every situation And he teaches readers how to resolve conflicts the right way [Epub] ➞ Succeed and Grow Rich through Persuasion Author Napoleon Hill – Lavons.co.uk so that not only are those conflicts resolved once and for all but the couple s love for one another actually grows and is sustained for the rest of their livesAnyone who has been married long enough to have a disagreement will benefit from this unique new book from everyone s favorite marriage doctor There are two parts to review in regards to this audiobook The first is content, the second is quality of narration.In regards to content, the book s premise seems fairly solid By the Marriage Doctor, this book seeks to help couples learn to negotiate effectively Being in my second marriage myself, and having fostered union contract negotiations a couple of times in the past, I can definitely see how Harley can compare the two.However, negotiations typically has the goal of everything being There are two parts to review in regards to this audiobook The first is content, the second is quality of narration.In regards to content, the book s premise seems fairly solid By the Marriage Doctor, this book seeks to help couples learn to negotiate effectively Being in my second marriage myself, and having fostered union contract negotiations a couple of times in the past, I can definitely see how Harley can compare the two.However, negotiations typically has the goal of everything being tolerable of the results In negotiations, one must give and take Yet, in marriage, there is the belief that a give and take should not be necessary for happiness For some couples, this may be so For others, however, sometimes being satisfied is good enough Regardless of one s approach to marriage, what Harley presents is a method of conflict management.Seeing the astonishing rates of divorce in America today, mostly due to irreconcilable differences, this book may be just what married couples need Harley s ultimate goals is for the couple to be in love with each other This is different than some approaches, however, which aim to resolve even if it places stress on the marriage.When looking at narration, I must say that I am not impressed Yes, it is narrated by the author Yes, there are appropriate pauses and inflection And yes, one can follow along with the pace Despite all these, being the boxes to check off, the narration does not grab the reader While Harley has spent significant time and effort in his book, no doubt, it feels as if the narration was not given the life it needs to take off and create its own following If the narration is in any way a prelude to the author s overall voice of the text, however, then readers will ultimately loose interest and not finish the reading.With that in mind, perhaps this book isof a workbook than a leisure book Disclosure I was contracted to write an honest review in exchange for a reviewer copy of the product The opinions stated in this review are solely my own The main point of this book is inescapable husbands and wives should come to overwhelming agreement before doing anything of importance While I don t disagree with this, it didn t take a book of this length to get that message across It was actually well written, and I enjoyed listening to it There came a time, though, when I was wondering if the author was going to make some other point and he didn t The bottom line is that this book is way too long for what it says Either make a sho The main point of this book is inescapable husbands and wives should come to overwhelming agreement before doing anything of importance While I don t disagree with this, it didn t take a book of this length to get that message across It was actually well written, and I enjoyed listening to it There came a time, though, when I was wondering if the author was going to make some other point and he didn t The bottom line is that this book is way too long for what it says Either make a shorter book, or putmeat into it I am a big believer in reading books on marriage When I heard about He Wins, She Wins, I knew it was a book I had to read I m not a good negotiator My husband won t even play Monopoly with me, because I can t negotiate the trade of play property A whole book on marital negotiation seemed to be a good fit for me I m glad that I took the time to read it Harley gives many good points about making marriage negotiations work I m competitive by nature, so often my negotiation strategy is a win I am a big believer in reading books on marriage When I heard about He Wins, She Wins, I knew it was a book I had to read I m not a good negotiator My husband won t even play Monopoly with me, because I can t negotiate the trade of play property A whole book on marital negotiation seemed to be a good fit for me I m glad that I took the time to read it Harley gives many good points about making marriage negotiations work I m competitive by nature, so often my negotiation strategy is a win lose ordeal No one likes to lose, and Harley points out that win lose situations are really lose lose situations in marriage Some of the concepts that he gives in this book are not easy to live in the day to day, but I can see how, if they are effectively implemented, they can change the whole dynamic of a marriage from good to great I don t know about you, but I want a great marriage.I highly recommend this book to married or engaged couples.Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf Martin Communications, Inc Available at your favourite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group Fantastic book on marriage One of the most essential books on the topic that I ve read It talks mostly about the negotiating dynamics within marriage, suggesting that the best outcome for any marriage is what a couple agrees on a win win or mutually beneficial decision Many times couples fall into default modes of sacrifice or domineering, and ultimately that creates problems within a marriage Really worth the read. Some good guidelines on how to successfully negotiate, with some concrete examples and suggestions for specific situations However, I don t resonate with his Love Bank analogy, and his suggestions aren t really grounded in anything other than his considerable number of years of experience as a counselor. This book is just as devoid of the Gospel as His Needs, Her Needs Who would I give it to Probably hard core atheists who still believe in an idea of love and want some principles for maintaining respect and romance through conflict without any principles overtly connected to the Bible So, should Christians relegate this book to the rubbish bin Not necessarily Too often, committed Christians think all will be well if they just put their spouse s needs ahead of their own and submit to one a This book is just as devoid of the Gospel as His Needs, Her Needs Who would I give it to Probably hard core atheists who still believe in an idea of love and want some principles for maintaining respect and romance through conflict without any principles overtly connected to the Bible So, should Christians relegate this book to the rubbish bin Not necessarily Too often, committed Christians think all will be well if they just put their spouse s needs ahead of their own and submit to one another Philippians 2 3, Ephesians 5 21 33 When conflict or resentment arises, we fall into a if I would just submit harder, or if only my spouse would submit like I am mentality that doesn t solve the problem This is where Smalley s book can be useful given a Gospel centered view of marriage and nature, how can I improve our communication and the overall satisfaction of both my mate and myself in marriage I think evangelicals could also do a better job reading about biology, neurology, behavioral economics and the like to understand how habits develop.His Needs, Her Needs operated from a clearly Freudian foundation and this book is no different Much of it revolves around the man s sexual satisfaction as the base of marital happiness Harley has a PhD in psychology and a long time marriage counselor he opens the book with a look at neuropsychology and how the brains of men and women are biologically different These differences explain differences in perceptions, judgement, decision making, and personality.The basic premise Continual self sacrifice creates a win lose situation where one spouse may be submissively unhappy with his end of the bargain So, a wife who submits to her husband s wishes because that s how she understands her role as a wife is likely unhappy about much of it My personal takeaway from this idea is that in marriage we should not suffer in silence We should not submit with a silent hope that I ll go along with what he wants this time, and hopefully he ll reciprocate by doing something I want another time That s not grace, it s secretly trying to earn merit and hoping for the best, and it s a recipe for bitterness Harley is right that the spouse submitted to will likely not see the submission as sacrificial and will simply come to expect it Of course that s how it should be done, he might say Instead, a wife for example can say I ll go along with this because I love and respect you I trust that the consequences of this decision will lead to a happier husband who is also willing to listen to my needs and concerns and help me out as well But let s sit down and work out something we can both be happy with Don t be a dictator, writes Harley Too often spouses play dual dictator roles, playing a game of tit for tat over how something should be done You will each be in an I told you so mode, which is unhelpful Harley advocates a democratic marriage in which both parties win and decisions aren t made unless both parties can be in enthusiastic agreement about the decision He refers back to the love bank idea of His Needs, Her Needs win win agreements allow couples to make simultaneous deposits in the others love bank.Reluctant agreement on issues is dangerous and enthusiastic agreement is a must As a practical example, Harley recommends grocery shopping together without the kids frequently Fill the cart with things you know you ll both be enthusiastic about eating Then, allow for some experimentation the wife can pick a couple things she s most confident the husband will like if he just tries it If he doesn t like it, it never gets bought again Only buy things you will both be happy about.Now, think about the impractical nature of this for a minute I owe this critique to my wife What if there is a particular food allergy one spouse has, or one is a vegetarian Should they only buy foods they both really want Harley allows for the rule to be broken in times of urgency or medical emergency But, in general, he seems to be saying that husband and wife should always eat together and never differ in their choices Separate interests are listed as harmful, and Harley encourages husbands to find activities that the wife enjoys doing to Trading horses by saying I m going bowling with the guys tonight, and you can go shopping with the girls tomorrow are two different win lose situations they violate Harley s rule and he discourages such trade offs Harley applies this thinking to career decisions as well, pursuing a career because you re gifted at it or you particularly like it is not a good enough reason you should only do it if both you and your spouse agree on how the career affects each other Remember, no self sacrifice of one spouse putting career behind the other at least for the long haul his wife worked while he finished his PhD.The other practical problem is with enthusiastic agreement How many times do you make a decision that you re truly enthusiastic about I approach decisions with probability in mind there is uncertainty what the result of the decision will be and how happy either of us will be with the outcome We ll likely be revisiting this decision down the road and adjusting or wishing we d done something differently When writing about how to meet others needs when you are not enthusiastic about it, Harley gives somewhat of a cop out in the form of self sacrifice called something else He basically says enjoy the consequences you ll have of having a happier spouse Communicate about it and see if you can reach a different arrangement in areas where you re unhappy.Harley gives some principles of negotiation Negotiation can only happen when you ve established a framework that you guarantee the others safety and be kind Ground rules include being pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations If you reach an impasse, come back to the table later There has to be trust, in other words First, both sides need to come to the table knowing what he she wants This also might be unrealistic if one spouse feels strongly about the issuethan the other, see the enthusiastic critique above Ask How would you feel if questions to introduce what you want Brainstorm together, use a notebook to record ideas What are the possible alternatives Lastly, among the alternatives listed, reach enthusiastic agreement about one.You can read these guidelines and other themes of Harley s books at his website concludes the book with an application to sex, time with extended family, and basic budgeting He reminds the reader that his system demands no fewer than 15 hours of undivided attention for your spouse each week.In all, I give this book 2 stars out of 5 It was much shorter than His Needs, Her Needs but has the same fundamental flaw of an unbiblical worldview and absence of the Gospel I gleaned a few good points about communication and negotiation, but recognize that much of what he writes about enthusiastic agreement is unrealistic It is a publish or perish world out there, so I guess Harley has to keep cranking little books like this out to maintain an income flow Title HE WINS, SHE WINSAuthor Willard F Harley, Jr.Publisher RevellOctober 2013ISBN 978 0800722517Genre Marriage relationshipsEvery conflict in your marriage is an opportunity to falldeeply in love.You ve probably heard a lot of advice on how to resolve conflicts in your marriage What you may not know is that if a resolution comes only in order to keep the peace, it s no resolution at all Marriage expert Willard F Harley, Jr., says there s a better way.What s different about the H Title HE WINS, SHE WINSAuthor Willard F Harley, Jr.Publisher RevellOctober 2013ISBN 978 0800722517Genre Marriage relationshipsEvery conflict in your marriage is an opportunity to falldeeply in love.You ve probably heard a lot of advice on how to resolve conflicts in your marriage What you may not know is that if a resolution comes only in order to keep the peace, it s no resolution at all Marriage expert Willard F Harley, Jr., says there s a better way.What s different about the He Wins, She Wins approach is the ultimate goal for you and your spouse to grow in your love for each other This win win model for negotiation starts with a simple rule Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse Think that sounds impossible In this book, Dr Harley will show you how it s been done in his marriage of over fifty years and in the marriages of the thousands of couples he s counseled He ll explain the art of marital negotiation, show you how to resolve common conflicts the right way, and help you overcome these common obstacles emotional reactions are preventing calm discussion neither of you wants to talk about an issue one or both of you are indecisive one of you is happy with the status quo being enthusiastic about anything doesn t seem possibleAnd above all, he ll show you how every decision you make together will increase your love for each other.HE WINS, SHE WINS, is another marriage help book, that will help teach couples how to successfully resolve conflicts in their marriage and strengthen love at the same time As a marriage counselor he s seen people treat each other with respect but yet still file for divorce because they fell out of love So he wants to help improve the love between couples There are some worksheets included such as the Marital Negotiations Worksheet, Emotional Needs Questionaire, and the Love Busters Questionaire, as well as helpful chapters such as How to negotiate when you are emotional Or indecisive Or not enthusiastic about the issue I ve been married twenty five years and we learned, through trial and error, what works and what doesn t I read the book for review, not because I don t get along with my husband I did learn some things enough to recommend this book for any newlywed couple or ones that are struggling to find common ground to avoid divorce Hard cover, with a dustcover, 19.99 192 pages


About the Author: Willard F. Harley Jr.

Willard F Harley, Jr., Ph.D is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs Building An Affair proof Marriage Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty two foreign translations.Dr Harley earned a Ph.D degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975 For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels During those years, he was also a frustrated part time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach see How Dr Harley Learned to Save Marriages When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full time Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota thirty two locations with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986 Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most improving his marital therapy program So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993 Since then, he has written 16books and hundreds of articles.Dr Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery An online seminar offered by Dr Harley kicks off a one year home study program that includes personal accountability He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.Dr and Mrs Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.


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